Below is a visual representation of what it looks like trying to get through the airport to your international flight in the era of COVID testing. Now, I’m not complaining. Well, OK, a little. Things are dicey now and I know precautions are needed. After all, an airport is one of the most crowded, shoulder-to-shoulder places around next to a major league ballpark’s men’s room during the seventh inning stretch.
And as we’ve seen on the news, for every 10 people who take the whole thing seriously and keep their masks on the whole time and use a lot of hand sanitizer and stay six feet away from EVERYTHING, there are another 10 jerkstores who let their noses flop over the top of their masks like it’s a crook peeking out from a sewer trying to see if the coast is clear. I feel like yelling, “Hey, geniuses, germs like nose holes too!” So, yeah, the precautions are needed. But the system itself might need a shot in the arm (topical pun). Because even after reading numerous websites to find out what we needed to d do to get where, and receiving tips from people who’ve been through it, getting from Boston to Stockholm was like playing bureaucratic Whack-a-Mole. Each step presented a hurdle that ranged from a minor inconvenience to shit-we’re-gonna-have-to-live-in-this-airport-aren’t-we? HURDLE 1: Because nations don’t always agree with each other (surprise), we BOTH had to take TWO Covid tests in as many days to meet the requirements for two different countries: One no more than 48 hours before our flight and a second no more than FOUR hours before boarding the plane to take us to Amsterdam. HURDLE 2: We had to take the four-hour-ahead test at a makeshift testing site in Logan Airport, right next to a decommissioned Dunkin’ Donuts (I assume it was shut down because maple long johns screw up the test results.) Also, the test cost $200 apiece ($100 per nostril) and was conducted* by a slightly disinterested staff who probably wished the Dunkin Donuts next door was still open. *OK, they didn’t actually conduct the test, they handed me the Q-tip and I stuck it up my own nose. But, yeah, $200. HURDLE 3: The woman at the entrance to the baggage check-in area (or rather, the series of fabric straps connected to posts that created a maze which really should have a chunk of cheese at the end) said that unless we had the results of BOTH Covid tests, she could not let us pass. Now, I knew my favorite color, the capital of Assyria, and air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow (African AND European), but because we hadn’t gotten the results of the first Covid test, we were blocked from entry. We waited several tense minutes until the email we were waiting for finally popped up in our inboxes. We were in. HURDLE 4: At the baggage check-in stand, the woman behind the counter happily took our Covid tests results, helped us check our bags, and even saved us some money by suggesting how we could shift stuff from one suitcase to the other to meet the weight list. But when we told her we were going to be in Sweden for about five months, she flinched noticeably. We thrust some papers in her face showing that this was a real university-based working trip. I did my part by trying not to look like the world’s dumbest terrorist. When she was finally confident we weren’t attempting to defect, she allowed us to proceed, but not before giving us some additional paperwork on Covid testing that she said we’d have to fill out before the plane landed in Amsterdam. HURDLE 5: At the gate, with a few minutes left before boarding, we were suddenly told that the additional paperwork we were given would have to be filled out NOW to be able to get on the plane, which, technically, is before we landed in Amsterdam, I guess, but, c’mon. I scribbled some answers on the form, and I was unsure of some of the answers, which made the whole thing look pretty sketchy, but they let us on anyway. HURDLE 6: After hanging out in the Amsterdam airport terminal for SIX HOURS, when it came time to get to our next gate, we needed to get past a customs agent who looked a little like David Puddy. He scrutinized our Covid tests and our why-we’re-staying-in-Sweden-for-six-months papers, made a phone call (mostly to look efficient, I’m guessing), then let us through. HURDLE 7: After finally landing in Stockholm, a friendly, smiling customs agent politely informed us that we weren’t going anywhere until we could not only produce the right Covid test results, but also the EXACT TIME WE TOOK THE TESTS, to insure it was taken in the proper time frame. Which meant scrolling away on our phone (me with my big, fat fingers) looking for a timestamp on one of our Covid forms and wondering if they would make us stay in this nearly windowless room for five months, unable to go forward or backward. Luckily, the Fulbright Scholar brains kicked in and the timestamp was found on the printout version of the test, which is the literal last place anyone would think to look. The race was over. Other than having to confine ourselves to a modest-sized apartment for a good portion of 2021, we don’t foresee any other major challenges in the coming months. Other than resisting the desire to yell, “PUT ON AN EFFING MASK, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU???” to an entire country every other hour. Another story… Swedish Word of the Week Akvavit – Also known as aquavit or brännvin, it’s a gin or vodka-like spirit that, according to the rules of booze, must be distilled with dill or caraway. It was believed to have been first mentioned in a set of 1467 instructions for lighting gunpowder. Exactly 400 years later, Alfred Nobel invented dynamite, which clearly means Swedes like blowing shit up. Occasionally while drunk. We made an aquavit cocktail tonight.
1 Comment
Laura
3/4/2021 04:25:48 pm
Brenavin is also referred to as Black Death
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HallåBecause I'm married to a very smart woman who received a Fulbright Scholarship, we're spent six months living in Sweden and, in particular, Stockholm. Having never lived outside the U.S., I figured I better keep notes. These are those notes. Archives
July 2021
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